Mental Load & Parenthood: Expert Answers How to Keep Up

Understanding (the weight of) Mental Load

What is mental load?

Mental load happens when what you expect you should do doesn't match what you can do or what you need others to do.

What causes it?

• Unrealistic expectations: Moms today face incredibly high standards. There's pressure to have the "perfect" pregnancy, raise kids in a non-toxic, enriching, and gentle way, and handle everything without showing stress. Many moms feel guilty for not doing enough, but they're actually trying to do the impossible.
• The impact on parents: It's no surprise that parents today are more anxious and depressed than ever. Trying to give each child a special time every day and maintain high safety standards has actually hurt both parents and kids.
• The impact on children: Research shows that this type of intensive parenting can prevent kids from developing resilience, independence, and the ability to handle difficult emotions. It can also contribute to anxiety, mood disorders, and low self-worth.

What can you do?

• Do less: Cut out half of the activities you think you and your family should be doing. Focus on teaching your kids to play on their own (without you) and to play outdoors unsupervised (once they're around kindergarten age). This may seem old-fashioned, but it can be good for your kids.
• Stop comparing: Don't compare yourself to other mothers or what you see on social media. Focus on what works for you. Whether it's breastfeeding, the type of diapers you use, or what activities your kids do, make choices that help you feel good at the end of the day.
• Remember your main goal: The most important thing is to raise a capable adult who is a good member of society. This means accepting that kids need to experience frustration, boredom, rejection, and distress to build character and emotional intelligence.
• Get your kids and partner to do chores: Even if they don't do them perfectly, it's important for everyone to contribute. Kids who do chores from a young age grow up to be more resilient and capable. Resist the urge to take over; let them learn. Also, make sure they remember to do their chores themselves. Don't take on the mental load of reminding them.
• Accept that you can't do it all: Some days or seasons will be harder than others. Be willing to let others pick up the slack, and don't worry about their complaints. Instead, see complaining as a sign that you've successfully gotten someone to change their behavior!

Setting Realistic Expectations

How can moms set realistic expectations?

• Just because you can do it doesn't mean you should do it. Many moms take on more and more because they're good at it. Instead, ask:
• "Who needs to learn how to do this?"
• "Who isn't doing their fair share?"
• "How can I hand this task off and let go?"
• Figure out what you need: Think about how many tasks allow you to have downtime, get 8-9 hours of sleep, exercise, eat without rushing, and spend time with friends. Many mothers think that sleep deprivation and sacrificing their own needs are normal parts of motherhood; that’s what good moms do, right? Wrong. This can lead to anxiety, depression, and poor mental health. Lack of sleep is a major risk factor for postpartum depression. And no, you cannot expect to take care of others if you’re not doing okay yourself.
• Be a rebel: Resist the pressure to be perfect or to be a "goddess" at crafts, organic gardening, or anything else that isn't really you.

Sharing Responsibilities with Your Partner

How can you divide responsibilities more fairly?

• Own less: The more stuff you have, the harder it is to keep your home tidy. Consider a minimalist approach to owning things (especially toys).
• Don't let anatomy dictate roles: Just because you're breastfeeding doesn't mean your partner can't help with feeding (with pumped milk or formula). Partners can do anything you can do, except for the thing that requires a uterus, of course.
• Have an open conversation: Make a list of tasks that you need to share and be willing to clearly ask your partner for help. For example, you could say, "I've been feeling resentful about how much I do, and I want to feel like we're a team. It’s not me v/s you, it’s us v/s whatever it takes. So, here are some chores that I need you to split with me. What can you take on, babe?"
• Prepare for pushback: Your partner may resist, so have some responses ready. Here are a few examples from the article:
• If your partner says: "But... you do it so well."
• You can say: "It's time for you to learn how to do it too, and you'll get there with time."
• If your partner says: "Our child needs its mother. You're the only one who can [task]."
• You can say: "What our child needs is to see us working together and to have a mother who isn't overwhelmed. You can [task] too. They need to learn that you're just as capable."
• If your partner says: "I work all day and bring home the paycheck. I need a break. My job is so stressful."
• You can say: "That's interesting, because that's my day too. I'm glad we agree that our work is difficult. When you come home, you're also a parent, and time at home is parenting time for both of us, regardless of what kind of work we did during the day."

Small Moments of Self-Care

How can moms create small moments of self-care?

• Small changes, big impact: Even 5-10 minutes of slowing down your breathing and your pace can make a big difference.
• Create simple rituals: Try lighting a scented candle while having coffee or tea, gazing out the window, or sitting outside without looking at your phone.
• Keep it simple: The goal is to do just one thing, and it's best to avoid screens.
• Other ideas: Stretching, giving yourself a foot massage, reading something unrelated to current events or parenting, praying, meditating, or having a short chat with a friend can all help.
• Practice gratitude: Write down three things you are grateful for about the last 24 hours.
• Do things that make you feel beautiful: If possible, taking time off to do things that make you feel beautiful also work.

Dealing with guilt:

• If you feel guilty about taking time for yourself, ask yourself, "What am I guilty of? How bad is it to become a more relaxed, refreshed, and resilient version of myself? If I don't care for myself, what am I teaching my kids about being a parent?" Self-care shows your kids that you are worthy of attention, too, and that good mental health is important.

Simple Daily Habits for Feeling More in Control

What daily habits can help moms feel more in control?

• Don't do other people's chores: Insist that they do them.
• Create a "Do Not Disturb" zone: Find a time and space where you can have 10-20 minutes of quiet alone time, without kids, your partner, pets, or chores. Make a sign and don't acknowledge anyone who tries to interrupt.
• Use this time for yourself: During your "Do Not Disturb" time, you can:
• Write down what you're grateful for.
• Simply be and do nothing.
• Meditate or pray.
• Make it special with scented lotion, candles, incense, or fresh air.
• Take a nap.
• Protect your sleep: Resist the urge to do "just one more chore."
• Teach your kids to play independently: Start setting up times for "everyone plays by themselves" once kids are 2-3 years old.